GenevieveSimmonds

nothing but change (haha)

Wherever we are, it is but a stage on the way to somewhere else, and whatever we do, however well we do it, it is only a preparation to do something else that shall be different.
{Robert Louis Stevenson}

Whenever something major changed (schedule-wise, crisis-wise, ANYthing-wise), my motto was: "I don't do well with change". Seriously bad news for a living, breathing human being trying to survive in the world as we know it. I'm now at a time in my life where nothing seems to stay the same for an extended period of time, and I'm learning how to be OK with it. Phew. Quite the process to go through after 34+ years on the planet. Embracing being brand-new, being vulnerable and teachable. So much good stuff, and of course the fear and emotion that goes along with. Change is good.

xog

gratitude: for cherry blossoms, rain that makes our city so green and lush, and the ability to get up and try again.

My Life is Getting Bigger...

Today I'm feeling incredibly grateful for the moment of grace that came to me almost a year ago, allowing me just an ounce of willingness to begin making changes. Today, my life is so full and so full of blessings and little miracles. It's also filled with problems and challenges each and every day that I'm able to approach with a clear head and an open mind.

I'm REALLY excited to get back into scrapbooking. Documenting our life was so joyful for me. It was therapeutic and fun. I'm in love with photos and words and art. That has never left me. It was just supressed and ignored for a while. A straight-forward, creative and simple way for me to do this is to join the Project Life movement. I'm jumping in with both feet.

 

 

I don't have a lot of money, it's really not a secret and I'm not ashamed or embarrassed, nor do I wish I had more. Quite frankly, I wouldn't have a lot of money even if I made more money, if that makes sense? I don't know what to do with it right now, and that's OK. I have peace and love in my heart and in my home and I'm learning the difference between needs and wants. We are not suffering, we are provided with what we need and certainly a lot more. The reason I bring this up is because today I'm able to make better choices about spending money, and I'm able to practice creative things (such as scrapbooking) without investing much. For Project Life I chose to purchase some of the page dividers/protectors because for me, they are integral to keeping the project simple and with clear direction. I need the structure! But that's it. I've got a 12x12 binder album on hand (it had pages in it, so instead of buying a new album, I used some extender posts and took the pages out of the binder album and added them to one of my other post-bound albums), and a ton of paper, cardstock, embellishments and other supplies I can use to fill the pockets. I will also be using jounalling cards created by Nisa. A LOT. She has a digi line with Jessica Sprague called Splended Fiins and the cards will be up in the shop on the 23rd! I used one of them on last week's Dare, and they're going to be an awesome addition to my Project Life...Project! I'm not doing digi...I'm printing these suckers. ReallyreallyREALLY looking forward to getting going.

 

 

Speaking of The Dares, Meghan is back and I couldn't be happier. Love this girl to bits and pieces.

xog

gratitude: for this one day, for 4 hours of art class this afternoon, for my beautiful life.

to live the life:

 

To Live the Life:

 

"To be no cause of grief to anyone.

To be kind to all people and to love them with a pure spirit.

Should opposition or injury happen to us, to bear it, to be as kind as ever can be, and through all, to love the people.   Should calamity exist in the greatest degree, to rejoice, for these things are the gifts and favors of God.

To be silent concerning the faults of others, to pray for them, and to help them, through kindness, to correct their faults.

To look always at the good and not at the bad.  If a man has ten good qualities and one bad one, look at the ten and forget the one. And if a man has ten bad qualities and one good one, to look at the one and forget the ten.

Never to allow ourselves to speak one unkind word about another, even though that other be our enemy.

To do all of our deeds in kindness.

To cut our hearts from ourselves and from the world.

To be humble.

To be servants of each other, and to know that we are less than anyone else.

To be as one soul in many bodies, for the more we love each other, the nearer we shall be to God; but to know that our love, our unity, our obedience must not be by confession, but of reality.

To act with cautiousness and wisdom.

To be truthful.

To be hospitable.

To be reverent.

To be the cause of healing for every sick one,
          a comforter for every sorrowful one,
          a pleasant water for every thirsty one.
          a heavenly table for every hungry one,
          a star to every horizon,
          a light for every lamp,
          a herald to everyone who yearns for the kingdom of God"

`Abdu'l-Bahá

all I have is today.

Today:

Today I will practice gratitude and love.
Today I will have the opportunity for growth <-- growth can be painful. Oh well.
Today I will work on creative things. Something just for me, and something to give away.

Today's gonna be a good day.
xog

 

gratitude: for the ability to look upon my shortcomings and do something about them.

Believe

When things fall apart, the opportunity presents itself to begin to believe.

In 2011, I adopted the word LOVE. I learned about this concept a few years ago as it was made popular by the One Little Word blog. It was suggested to me in 2010 that I try to practice love in everything I did. So I chose the word to focus on for a whole year. I put love into things, and I began to see love and symbols of it all over the place. I fell in love and practiced mindful mantras my mother ingrained in me like "if you want to be loved, be more loving". After a year of practicing giving and receiving love, it's much more a part of my daily life, which is awesome.

My word for 2012 will be BELIEVE. I don't know what will be in store for me, but I'm looking forward to exploring the word and excited to experience whatever it brings in the coming year. Experiencing profound change over the past several months has taught me that with just an ounce of open-mindedness, I never know what will happen, and it might just change my life.

xog

gratitude: for my vision - to be able to look up to the sky everyday and appreciate just how magnificent and beautiful the sky is.

art, love, happiness

Listening to a little Erykah B., live-styles. Hands-down the best show I have ever seen. She has soul and passion, talent and beauty radiating from the stage to enchant the whole room. A very favourite memory. Colleen and I stayed out until 5am that night; hit the gay bar and Denny's after the late show. There is something about seeing a great live show - the music has different meaning afterwards and forever more playing in the house or on the ipod. So that's a little about what I'm hearing right now.

Next: art. Been painting and creating up a storm. Did a little series of 3 for submission to the North Vancouver Community Arts Council Anonymous Art Show. This is my first attempt at submission or showing or anything remotely like that. Getting my feet wet and we'll see where it goes! I have been doing creative things every day. It's literally pouring out of me. Interestingly enough, I thought that sobriety would kill my creativity; that for some reason being out of my head brought me into some sort of parallel creative universe - a whole different plane. Not so. Through all the change that is going on inside me and around me, I seem to be much more in touch with this passion than ever before. And actually doing something about it! Here's a quick detail peek at the 3 pieces I submitted. Apparently at least one will go up in the show, which opens tomorrow evening and runs until December 17. A very neat concept for a gallery show.

Experiencing life, day by day. Allowing myself to love and be loved. Learning so much all the time. Growth and change, I've learned, is uncomfortable and sometimes painful. But the rewards mean more than can be measured. Best times ever with Jax - he is such a fabulous kid-soul. Establishing new relationships with amazing people and repairing and nurturing some that have been around a while. Facing reality and learning how little control I have over the entire universe (shocking, I know). The journey with J is incredible. Laughing and playing and loving and comforting and learning and... really, the list is quite endless.

Life is good.

xog

gratitude: slippers on my feet, hot meals, a warm bed at night, and an abundance of love and light.

giving it up and letting it go

I have always been driven by a powerful, all-consuming sense of self-will. The strength I found in ME... MY ideas, MY way, I knew what was best. For me, but of course also for you. Never one to shy away from a good debate, I would most certainly share my opinions, ideas, thoughts, direction on any given subject with any given subject. And not always by invitation. I would fight until I won, regardless of whether I was right. Somtimes there came a point in the battle where I was alarmed at and fearful of the doubt creeping in, so I would fight harder to save face and win even when I was wrong. That doesn't even make sense. I was so concerned about being right and feeling righteous over another human being and had a sick sense of pride in how strong and mighty I was. I was not always a kind soul.

I was raised in a way that supported this black and white philosophy. Everything has an answer... a RIGHT answer. And it was best if you had the answer. Not having the answer, having to ask for help, not excelling... would bring about the feeling of 'less than'. Less than or equal to weren't good enough for me, in fact the shame and embarassment that ensued was enough to know that I didn't want to feel that way. Ever. Of course I did though.... Who can get through life without being wrong? Ha.

So I'm learning a lot about myself these days. It is a relief to know now that I can do my best every day, and that my best is good enough. I can appreciate all that is good and wonderful and right about my fellow human beings and learn from them and love them and receive love in return. I have learned that I'm not in control of most people, places, things, situations (gasp!) and it feels like the weight of the world has been lifted from all over me - shoulders, head, chest, stomach, heart. My expectations of others and myself are in check, for today. These are things I'm working on. The work happens on a daily basis - first by becoming aware, and then by maintaining a conscious contact with whatever power greater than myself makes the sun come up each morning.

I am earning my own confidence in tiny doses. As much as I am allowed to have, I'll take. For the first time ever in my life, it's real confidence. Not an intelligent brain wrapped up in asshole. There are things I want, and if they're meant to be, they will come to me. I am given the signs and suggestions to do the work that is my part in all of it. The rest of it, I have no control over and no right to say when it should happen or exactly what it should look like. No right at all. God, what a peaceful existence it is.

xog

gratitude: for the three beautiful people - one stranger, one acquaintance, and one great love, who took the time to remind me to smile.

recognizing beauty every day

So cliche. The thing about cliches though, is that they're true. God that used to irritate me!

The thing about clear-headed awareness and the peace that comes along with accountability and self-improvement is that we come to acceptance for what we have. It seems to always be enough. It's been that way for me lately. Instead of feeling down that winter is coming, I'm able to see the beauty of the fall leaves. I think an important part of the process for me is that I had to do some work in order to naturally get to a place where the positive attitude is just generally there. Well, here. Inside me. I used to start at forcing the positive outlook. 'Today, I'll be happy. I will think of the glass as half full. I will be positive.' Making that decision doesn't mean it is, or that it will stay with you.

Life is life. We will always be dealt difficulties and problems. Our outlook and coping mechanisms will dictate what our part is in any situation. As long as we act honourably and are able to honestly admit when we have not, choose the right path rather than the one that inevitably leads us astray, and live for the greater good, 'others-centred' rather than 'self-centred', we know it will be OK.

Yes, I have depression. My mindset can biologically/chemically take me to dark, sad places, places that I can't seem to climb out of on my own. I look back on my life with a clear mind, and remember being a sad and lonely little girl, often sitting by myself at home. I found solace in reading and art, but the lonely feeling never left. Always highly emotional, I don't remember being another way. I didn't know there was another way. That was my normal. It's a real thing, but it's not unmanageable. I still get into ruts from time to time. However, the further along I get with The New Me, as long as I can continue to be a seeker in this short life I have, the shorter and shallower the ruts seem to get. Improvement is slow but steady, as long as I'm connected.

After doing hardly anything creatively for almost two years, I'm back in the game. I have been painting and altering books and making cards and exploring new methods and mediums. I have so far been unsuccessful at learning to knit an crochet, but really, how many projects do I need to have on the go!? So, it's OK. In fact, a friend is here working on a project and so I'm going to get to work too!

Life's so good, for today. 

xog

gratitude: for being pushed (actually, gently nudged) outside my comfort zone this morning and being willing to have a new experience.

a little bit of truth.

And so my truth will flow in doses from my fingertips to this spot reserved for me. I have spent some months now practicing with truth and honesty. I prided myself on being an 'honest' person. I'm really not sure where that came from, but I suppose I had a different idea about what honest looked like to me. Now my idea about what honesty looks like includes the real, the raw, the truth that is fact and cannot be argued. It means not ommitting things or supressing things so that they don't have to be real. I was an actor, playing the part of myself in my own life. At times perhaps entertaining, at times helpful and kind, always presentable and fooling even myself. But it really wasn't doing me much good to fumble through life with costumes and make up on. It was no life. I was existing and hanging on. Treading water, barely keeping my head afloat, and certainly drowing, albeit slowly.

On February 22nd of this year, I made the decision to stop drinking alcohol. Actually, the decision was made prior but February 22nd was the day that I was ready to stop. So I did. It doesn't take a genius to know that alcohol and depression to flow so well together... but it's amazing how dumb we can choose to be in order to justify an action... or inaction. When I removed the alcohol, a new way of life was exposed to me. It wasn't easy, but I knew I wanted it. I struggled and fought against myself as the natural little rebel inside me would have it. I carried on with another vice, however, and amidst the sweet smelling smoky haze, I struggled on. Aware that I was choosing a new path, I felt ready to embark on the journey of self-discovery. I stayed ignorant for five and a half months. You know that play I was talking about acting in? I was so foggy that I had no qualms about saying I was sober while smoking pot with increasing frequency and in increasing quantities. Sure, it seems ludicrous to me now, but I was really, truly, oblivious at the time. I was deluded: because of course, I am an artist and the weed opened my mind and being stoned helped me be creative. It calmed me. The reality is that I was using it, abusing it, to numb myself, separate myself from my feelings and emotions. I know that now. I can see it clearly now. Now that I'm actually clean and sober.

One day in late July I was having tea with a friend. We were sitting on my couch, chatting. She asked me, in such a gentle and loving way, if I might think about quitting. I was taken by surprise, and to be honest a little irritated! I told her I would think about it, thank you very much, probably said a few words of justification and defense, and quickly changed the subject, I'm sure. I don't really remember. I was probably stoned.

Once the words were said out loud, directly to me, once the suggestion to 'give it a shot' was made, once the possibility of 'a whole new life' was presented to me (ew, I remember clear as day how those words at that time made me recoil and roll my eyes and think 'i'm so sure' and my guts sort of twisted up inside me), I really could not not try. Still the fighter, the rebel, the perfectionist the stubborn mule. But really knowing this was the time to face my truth. My demons and my everything. When I finally got honest with myself and with another human being, I had no choice.

I smoked pot for the last time on August 6, 2011. That's just a little over two months ago. The changes that I have made, the work that I've done in the last two months feels like a lifetime's worth. Totally corny, words I never imagined myself uttering... I feel re-born. I'm changing from the inside out. My insides are no longer churning with angst and emotion. My heart is no longer pounding in my chest like I'm having a bloody heart attack. These days, things are peaceful and calm. Don't get me wrong. Life is life. The old me would look at my life now and think this girl is a total loser. I have less money, less assets than ever before. My marriage fell apart after 11 years. I have 'lost' the things that I allowed to define me. I have failed. So now, on a search for my authentic self, I have been humbled. I'm a clean slate. Fuck it feels good.

Today, honesty for me looks like this. Admitting, out loud, what's actually going on. How am I going to move forward if I don't know where I am? For me, being open and honest and forthcoming has been a lesson in humility and that's what really makes me accountable. Part of the change (uhm, a huge part) is spiritual in nature. Those who heard my previous opinions about organized religion and God would probably not recognize me as the same person now. I can speak about these things without physically wanting to vomit. A very close friend who 'believes' and always had just looks at me with wonderment and amazement written all over her face when I say things like 'God' and 'prayer'. And that is just proof to me that there is a force greater than us at work in this world. All the proof I need. I haven't signed up for church or anything, but I'm in the seeking, and I feel it inside. Profound and tangible changes are happening. I can see the light. And it's beautiful.

peace out. xog

gratitude: for awareness of all of me, good and flawed, and for acceptance of myself, exactly where i am.

happy phriday!

Sitting at the "dining" "room" "table" (we don't eat here because keep reading, it's more of an offshoot of space between the living room and kitchen, and while yes, it really is a fabulous table, we can't usually see it for the cascading piles of craft stuffs...) sipping on my coffee, looking out at the grey and rain... and feeling an incredible amount of appreciation for this life.

I have Plans today. Jax is off school and will get dropped of to me in a couple of hours, so I gotta get a move on, but felt compelled to document this moment. Once again thinking about the neglected blog, logged in to post, thought "I don't have time to do this right, so I'll do it later, from the other computer where the photos are that I want to share...blah blah blah". Forever finding reasons to not start or not finish. Fuck it. Really. I am where I am, and it's OK. It will always be OK. For if I'm always telling myself that it's not enough, what kind of life am I living?

A new dare should be up today at some point. I'm enjoying being back in the swing of things as much as possible with this AMAZING group of women. Each and every single one is someone I admire and am proud to call a friend. We are all so different, hailing from all across the Americas. We share our successes, our failures, our trials and tribulations. It's another area of my life I don't feel I'm "enough" at. But, here I am, another dare down and writing about it. I hope they know that I love them and that I'm humbly grateful to be a part of the team. (and I'm SOOOO excited about Nisa's new baby waiting to shoot out...)

This is my "Easy versus Hard" for Dare 185. Prompt courtesy the amazingly talented Kal Barteski. I had fun with this.

*well! wouldn't ya know it... technical difficulties prevent image upload at this present point in time. stay tuned then... :)

xog

gratitude: for the profound change that has settled in to my heart and my head... for the calm and peace and love that i can recognize as being so present, at least for today.