I have always been driven by a powerful, all-consuming sense of self-will. The strength I found in ME... MY ideas, MY way, I knew what was best. For me, but of course also for you. Never one to shy away from a good debate, I would most certainly share my opinions, ideas, thoughts, direction on any given subject with any given subject. And not always by invitation. I would fight until I won, regardless of whether I was right. Somtimes there came a point in the battle where I was alarmed at and fearful of the doubt creeping in, so I would fight harder to save face and win even when I was wrong. That doesn't even make sense. I was so concerned about being right and feeling righteous over another human being and had a sick sense of pride in how strong and mighty I was. I was not always a kind soul.
I was raised in a way that supported this black and white philosophy. Everything has an answer... a RIGHT answer. And it was best if you had the answer. Not having the answer, having to ask for help, not excelling... would bring about the feeling of 'less than'. Less than or equal to weren't good enough for me, in fact the shame and embarassment that ensued was enough to know that I didn't want to feel that way. Ever. Of course I did though.... Who can get through life without being wrong? Ha.
So I'm learning a lot about myself these days. It is a relief to know now that I can do my best every day, and that my best is good enough. I can appreciate all that is good and wonderful and right about my fellow human beings and learn from them and love them and receive love in return. I have learned that I'm not in control of most people, places, things, situations (gasp!) and it feels like the weight of the world has been lifted from all over me - shoulders, head, chest, stomach, heart. My expectations of others and myself are in check, for today. These are things I'm working on. The work happens on a daily basis - first by becoming aware, and then by maintaining a conscious contact with whatever power greater than myself makes the sun come up each morning.
I am earning my own confidence in tiny doses. As much as I am allowed to have, I'll take. For the first time ever in my life, it's real confidence. Not an intelligent brain wrapped up in asshole. There are things I want, and if they're meant to be, they will come to me. I am given the signs and suggestions to do the work that is my part in all of it. The rest of it, I have no control over and no right to say when it should happen or exactly what it should look like. No right at all. God, what a peaceful existence it is.
gratitude: for the three beautiful people - one stranger, one acquaintance, and one great love, who took the time to remind me to smile.