Has it ever happened to you that you typed a whole bunch of stuff for a blog post and then lost it? Argh. Tehnology + me = love/hate relationship, of that I'm sure...
Haven't blogged since 2010. I can't believe over a month has passed in the new year! January was a full month and so much went on. Most of it I'm not ready to share at this point but it was heavy with self-reflection, restoration and growth. I have spent lots of time with friends - strengthening current relationships, welcoming a few new, and rekindling a particular one, making my heart so happy. A feeling of coming out of hibernation to realize that no matter where your head goes the whole world continues on and so we all might as well play a part in the here and now.
Music is huge for me right now. I have the most random/oldest collection of music and while my tastes vary hugely from jazz to hip hop to raggae to the shit from the radio to old rock to some of the new stuff I don't even know how to classify, I'm such a music baby. I don't know the names of the artists or the songs because I have such a hard time paying attention. But I'm pretty consistantly plugged into my ipod or mp3 or blasting tunes while cleaning and fucking around on the internet. So, suggestions and playlists are certainly more than welcome...
I'm really excited that we are going for a comeback for The Dares because photography, journalling and creativity are pure therapy and restoration for my soul. I look so forward to returning to documenting my life, Jax's life, and our stories. Funny how part of what The Dares is about is to document the good, the bad and the ugly, and yet for over a year I haven't been there. At all. The difficult times are certainly the least inspiring. I have been writing, here and there and certainly have memories glaring back at me that will be dealt with. I look back at my photographs, artwork and scrapbooks and am rewarded with pride and a sense of heritage that is so valuable. Need to get back to it and keep it up so that when I lose my mind later in life I'll know what the hell happened back when I was.....
Everyone needs a break from time to time. Someone I trust implicitly suggested I begin to think about letting love into my life. To live my life with love. A lot easier to say and hear than it is to do. But I'm certainly gonna try. There are lots of people who practice the art of choosing a word for a year. Surely one of the most inspiring sources is Ali and for the first time I officially put my word down. Love is a HUGE word. So I'm attempting to practice it in the general and broad life-sense, but then also break it down when life becomes to overwhelming. There are the days when it's pissing rain out and I'm tired and everyone on the street seems to not be aware about anything except where they have to go and even though you were the first one at the bus stop because you just missed the bus, 64 other people decided it was more important for them to be in front of you, and the days when it feels like you never have any time to have fun with your child because you only get to see him on weekdays which are full of homework and cleaning up and attitude and other peoples' children..... (inhale!) On those particular days, it's a proud moment when I can tell myself that those 64 human beings have the need to get on the bus first (really, the reason doesn't matter), to not worry about the rain because I have invested in my second piece of shit umbrella of the season and for now it keeps me dry, and to stop for a moment, have patience, and listen to Jaxon when he speaks to me. While we might not always get to play and go to movies and have 'fun', we can make our moments together important and fun. They are important. Regardless of how stressful and difficult homework is, supporting him is how I get to know him better and figure out with him how to solve problems and if we can't do it by ourselves, the opportunity presents itself to ask for help. It need not be a negative experience. There is opportunity everywhere; you need only look around.
So the thing about love is that it is a broad, generalized and oft-overused word. Thinking about it every day for a couple of months has allowed me to break it down a bit and start practicing elements of it, with the goal to 'live my life by it'. All of this certainly sounds fluffy and preachy, but trust me when I say I won't be going door-to-door with love pamphlets. It's really just for me and hopefully the only thing anyone else notices is that I'm a kinder, more compassionate, gentler, more patient and nicer individual.
Just sayin.
xog
Gratitude: For learning to be alone and be ok. Eff... perhaps my word should be been alone! But, that would have probably been a lot more depressing...