And so my truth will flow in doses from my fingertips to this spot reserved for me. I have spent some months now practicing with truth and honesty. I prided myself on being an 'honest' person. I'm really not sure where that came from, but I suppose I had a different idea about what honest looked like to me. Now my idea about what honesty looks like includes the real, the raw, the truth that is fact and cannot be argued. It means not ommitting things or supressing things so that they don't have to be real. I was an actor, playing the part of myself in my own life. At times perhaps entertaining, at times helpful and kind, always presentable and fooling even myself. But it really wasn't doing me much good to fumble through life with costumes and make up on. It was no life. I was existing and hanging on. Treading water, barely keeping my head afloat, and certainly drowing, albeit slowly.
On February 22nd of this year, I made the decision to stop drinking alcohol. Actually, the decision was made prior but February 22nd was the day that I was ready to stop. So I did. It doesn't take a genius to know that alcohol and depression to flow so well together... but it's amazing how dumb we can choose to be in order to justify an action... or inaction. When I removed the alcohol, a new way of life was exposed to me. It wasn't easy, but I knew I wanted it. I struggled and fought against myself as the natural little rebel inside me would have it. I carried on with another vice, however, and amidst the sweet smelling smoky haze, I struggled on. Aware that I was choosing a new path, I felt ready to embark on the journey of self-discovery. I stayed ignorant for five and a half months. You know that play I was talking about acting in? I was so foggy that I had no qualms about saying I was sober while smoking pot with increasing frequency and in increasing quantities. Sure, it seems ludicrous to me now, but I was really, truly, oblivious at the time. I was deluded: because of course, I am an artist and the weed opened my mind and being stoned helped me be creative. It calmed me. The reality is that I was using it, abusing it, to numb myself, separate myself from my feelings and emotions. I know that now. I can see it clearly now. Now that I'm actually clean and sober.
One day in late July I was having tea with a friend. We were sitting on my couch, chatting. She asked me, in such a gentle and loving way, if I might think about quitting. I was taken by surprise, and to be honest a little irritated! I told her I would think about it, thank you very much, probably said a few words of justification and defense, and quickly changed the subject, I'm sure. I don't really remember. I was probably stoned.
Once the words were said out loud, directly to me, once the suggestion to 'give it a shot' was made, once the possibility of 'a whole new life' was presented to me (ew, I remember clear as day how those words at that time made me recoil and roll my eyes and think 'i'm so sure' and my guts sort of twisted up inside me), I really could not not try. Still the fighter, the rebel, the perfectionist the stubborn mule. But really knowing this was the time to face my truth. My demons and my everything. When I finally got honest with myself and with another human being, I had no choice.
I smoked pot for the last time on August 6, 2011. That's just a little over two months ago. The changes that I have made, the work that I've done in the last two months feels like a lifetime's worth. Totally corny, words I never imagined myself uttering... I feel re-born. I'm changing from the inside out. My insides are no longer churning with angst and emotion. My heart is no longer pounding in my chest like I'm having a bloody heart attack. These days, things are peaceful and calm. Don't get me wrong. Life is life. The old me would look at my life now and think this girl is a total loser. I have less money, less assets than ever before. My marriage fell apart after 11 years. I have 'lost' the things that I allowed to define me. I have failed. So now, on a search for my authentic self, I have been humbled. I'm a clean slate. Fuck it feels good.
Today, honesty for me looks like this. Admitting, out loud, what's actually going on. How am I going to move forward if I don't know where I am? For me, being open and honest and forthcoming has been a lesson in humility and that's what really makes me accountable. Part of the change (uhm, a huge part) is spiritual in nature. Those who heard my previous opinions about organized religion and God would probably not recognize me as the same person now. I can speak about these things without physically wanting to vomit. A very close friend who 'believes' and always had just looks at me with wonderment and amazement written all over her face when I say things like 'God' and 'prayer'. And that is just proof to me that there is a force greater than us at work in this world. All the proof I need. I haven't signed up for church or anything, but I'm in the seeking, and I feel it inside. Profound and tangible changes are happening. I can see the light. And it's beautiful.
peace out. xog
gratitude: for awareness of all of me, good and flawed, and for acceptance of myself, exactly where i am.